dont read too much into this, or at all actually

honesty means that there is a level of exhaustive preparation every morning that goes into making a me that looks like me

or at least the me I used to be, before I was the me that I came to be 

(the me I don’t let you see)

honesty means my eyes are less familiar with the backs of their lids then they are with the whites of the ceiling that looms down over the bed that I sleep in

this body that aches all day from chronic-whateverness demands a rest that lives only in the dreams that I stopped having during adolescence

honesty means that I am addicted to niceness because it fills my veins with the drug of you thinking I’m something better then the skin I’m in

it means when I finally break, you wont remember the long stares or cold glares or antisocial neurotic sociopathic anxious behavior because I helped you move in

see, I’m a good kid

honesty means I spend an alarming amount of energy trying to figure you out, and whether or not I can trust you or if I think you might kill me

I’ve spent too many nights by the window talking to myself because that guy at the starbucks left at the same time as me

honesty means that food tastes like ashes in my mouth, and since I’m already consistently dehydrated vomit is actually a welcome relief to the dryness

the thought of my stomach ruining garbage inside of me has been enough to make me dry heave in the middle of traffic

honesty means I probably like what the smoke will do to me a little more than I do the nicotine

although working in an office with two flights of stairs makes it hard to make it outside to kill myself slowly (mostly)

honesty means I snap like a jazz musician with no music when I am uncomfortable because it brings your attention to my hands and away from my eyes

or because it makes me invisible, still testing that theory.

honesty means the curtain closed because of who I thought I was, not because of what I thought I had done

A man covered in flames can set even the purist angel on fire if he doesn’t drown himself at once

right?

honesty means I hate being honest, I’d rather lie to both you and myself and keep staring at my hand until I’ve convinced myself it has stopped shaking.

how I wish it would stop shaking